What prevents us from a deep connection with God and others? Many times, it’s due to shame! In his book, The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves, Curt Thompson wrote that shame begins with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. It makes us hide, keeps us from deep connections, and wreaks havoc on our relationships. In the process, it kills our joy.
Thompson goes on to explain that there are six other unpleasant emotions hard-wired into our brain that are relate to shame: sadness, anger, fear, hopeless, despair, and disgust. Shame-filled people build narratives such as, “I never do well. There must be something wrong with me.” “I just want to make this problem, person, or feeling go away.” “I don’t want to listen to what others feel or say.” “My mind is ‘locked onto’ something upsetting.” “I don’t want to be connected to _______ (Someone I usually like).” “I just want to get away, fight, or freeze (versus Calm + Connect).” “I more aggressively interrogate, judge, and fix others.” Shame and these six related emotions also lead people to retreat, and retreat leads to isolation and spiritual paralysis. That is where it can do its most destructive work.
When shame afflicts the soul, the mind works overtime to try and figure out what is happening. Sometimes our minds are tormented with self-doubt. Other times we see ourselves in bigger-than-life ways to compensate for our inner sense of inadequacy and shame. Some people resort to power, control, and/or anger. Others struggle with addiction, seeking to mask the pain of shame in their souls. Sometimes individuals just withdraw, feel depressed, and give up.
In Genesis 3:1-10, we discover that fear and hiding are a natural response to shame. It affects every aspect of our personal lives and vocational endeavors, and it even destroys how we view our identity in Christ, resulting in unhealed pain and brokenness.
Healthy relationships combined with knowing God are the antithesis of shame. Nurturing a dynamic, vulnerable relationship with Christ causes shame to lose its power. Along with this, being a part of a Christian community can bring healing when an individual feels the group is being empathetic. When we make a regular practice of sharing our lives with each other, we move toward them and create space for them to move toward us.
Shame hates this. Shame wants us to believe we are alone and unnecessary. Community, though, tells us that we are not alone and that we are loved, cherished, and valued. This is where healing from shame begins and what “God with us” (Immanuel) conveys.
We must establish a culture of vulnerability and model a joyful, nurturing, authentic, healing community that brings an end to shame.
The author of Hebrews challenges us in this by saying, “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:2).
Imagine the difference if we lived with joy and no shame! We would have improved health, creativity, and be flourishing not only in ourselves, but also in our families, churches, and workplaces. We would be able to reintegrate our distressed mind, gain more energy for better performance, and take more risks. Life change is hard, but it is possible in the right atmosphere.
